Blog Post #103: Book Review, The Self Driven Child

For a change of pace, we thought it might be interesting to highlight some of our favorite books that intersect with Type C. One that is resonating with my (Kore) Type C tendencies now is The Self Driven Child by Ned Johnson and Will Stixrud, Ph.D.

The Type C in me is most prevalent in parenting. I worry too much about my kids, and have a hard time saying no to them. I spend too much time and energy thinking about them and doing things for them. I’m left feeling angry and resentful, as is common for Type C. Any books that remind me to let go, allow them to do more things for themselves, and fix less - these books are helpful for me. 

The Self Driven Child talks a lot about letting children solve problems for themselves, and encourages parents to listen to them and not tell them what to do. A very interesting part of the book that resonated with me discussed noticing your own worries and how they influence your actions. As a psychologist, I think about this a lot both for my patients and myself. 

To help with this, the book recommends an exercise where you write down your worries, then twist them to say things like “it’s ok if my child doesn’t do well in school.” Then, write down what thoughts show up when I think the twisted thought instead. Can I be absolutely sure that the original worry is true? Who would I be if I didn’t believe this? How would I treat my children and spouse differently?

Another recommendation, which is much-aligned with discussions on this blog, is taking time for restorative activities. Parenting worries can be so stressful - we love our children so much and want the best for them, and it’s normal to worry about them and want to do a lot for them. But we have to make time for restorative activities that refill our buckets.