Blog Post #104: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD

For our second book review, we present Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD. This book has been recommended by many people in our circles - and it’s an interesting read for any Type C’ers who had a difficult time getting their emotional needs met in childhood thanks to self-involved parents. 

Gibson defines four different types of emotionally immature parents. The emotional parent instills feelings of instability and anxiety. The driven parent stays busy trying to perfect everything and everyone. The passive parent avoids dealing with anything upsetting. The rejecting parent is withdrawn, dismissive, and derogatory. Parents can fall into more than one category. In order to connect with such parents emotionally, children often take on adult-like roles - which can stunt our own emotional growth and keep us stuck in unhealthy patterns that can be confusing and exhausting. 

An important concept Gibson discusses is the “healing fantasy,” or the idea that the cure for our childhood pain is to change ourselves or others. She says this fantasy “gives a child the optimism to get through a painful upbringing in hopes of a better future. Many people have survived a miserable childhood in this way. The hopeful fantasy of one day being loved and attended to keeps them going.” But, these fantasies often lead to unrealistic expectations in our closest relationships when we are older.

While we don’t want to get stuck in the past, it can be very helpful for Type C’ers to understand the mindset and modus operandi of emotionally immature parents in order to move forward. We can learn to free ourselves of the roles we play with our parents and siblings, and understand how our own family dynamics growing up are impacting our emotional growth and the health of our current relationships. Much of the book discusses re-discovering our “true self” - the part that was buried and suppressed when we took on roles we were not ready for. 

A word of caution - many people who have read this book tell us it can be difficult to get through - that it really hits home and can trigger a lot of hidden pain. We advise taking it slowly, reading a little at a time and taking plenty of breaks. It can also be helpful to journal or talk to a therapist about what surfaces when reading it.